venting.. to myself about myself

Warning this is a pity party and a reflection, if you don't want to be invited... get out now
so i'm sitting here just thinking about the past. sometimes i think i shouldn't think about it that i should just accept it and move on and grow and learn. and well i do learn and grow from my past it also tends to stick right by me all the time, constantly reminding me of the remember when’s, the regrets, the triumphs and memories that you want to keep forever. but a part that i keep thinking about are friends that have come and went for who know what reasons. well i know some of the reason *cough cough* and i hate saying this is a reason, but it is, it is a reason for losing 'friends' that i thought we're close, but a lot of it is because i am gay. i have pushed some people away, i won't deny it, but those people shouldn't of been pushed away they should of gotten a kick in the ass into the nearest garbage can. ugh.

i feel as though i am easily replaced, and maybe it is because i don't let people know me completely. i don't want to be an open book for people to flip through the pages and criticize me.

my two closest friends are thousands of miles away from me, and may never come home. i guess what i need is a friend. i have a girlfriend; i can talk to her about anything at anytime. but i miss the feeling of having a friendship with someone. just to do things whenever we want, be crazy and just sit and talk about whatever we want. aghhh. i'm trying to move on from the past, and i'm trying to let old friends in again but i have a feeling that i shouldn't. i'm going to go with i shouldn't. they aren't my friends for a reason, i need to get to a point where i forgive them for the past and look at them now. i thought i did, but i still see the same person they were. i think wait i know i need new friends, friends that know absolutely nothing about me. a friend that cares for me as much as i care for them. the kind of friend you would give a kidney to. i want that friendship again....

end. vent.